so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
