I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
