She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
