I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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