Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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