i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize