Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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