pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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