Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
