we have pet lesbian snakes
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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