I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize