Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
