When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
