Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
