Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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