He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
