I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
