yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize