I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
