Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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