Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
