nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
