I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
