I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
