When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just found puke in my bra..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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