im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
