this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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