My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
