BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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