Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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