Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
