next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
