I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
