Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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