So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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