She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
