the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
