you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
