You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
