They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cannot find my penis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
