I can't breathe out the right side of my face
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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