$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
