I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
