Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize