I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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