how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize