i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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