he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
