dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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