a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
