The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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