yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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