GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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