Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
