people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
