I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
