I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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