fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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