When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
