So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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