my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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