Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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