Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
