my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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